under the waves, in the blue of my oblivion

i wrote this for you.

2006-12-20T12:20:00.000-08:00

I am not a poet.
These words just come out this way.
In the form of phrases, questions, fragments, the sorts of things that will do justice to you.

Me? My heart skips and my stomach knots.
And you? You just stand there with your hands positioned ever-so-carefully in your pockets.

I'll tell a joke that only you will laugh at, put a hole in my face, hide behind a tree, then jump out, and say "boo",
just so you'll look me in the eyes.

I have been told, no, warned of the perils of love, but I worry about more practical things.
Like parking tickets.

Oh, I have loved in the past, blind to the obvious, and when it comes to you and me, surely I was mistaken.
Only memories of late night heat, puzzle pieces, and fingers crossed remain.

But you started it all, your footprints still scarring my windshield.
Just one slip-up and we fell. Innocently. Like fools.
And now, you put your hands over your eyes and blame it on me.

Music has changed,
yet still I sleep, dreaming of wings and more permanent endeavors,
because do you know what time it is?

I am not a poet and it is much too late to be writing this for you.

faith will come...

2006-12-16T21:50:00.000-08:00

i have become fascinated with little girls' jewelry boxes.

last night while nannying, i took the liberty of rummaging through the multi-colored, glitter-splattered, sticker-covered jewelry box of little 6 year old eliza. inside its drawers i found barbie doll shoes, random plastic beads, stick-on earrings, bonnie bell chapstick, coins, and candy, as well as many other trinkets. sigh, oh how sweet it must be to find pleasure in such simple things.

it made me think about the things that i value in my life, the things that i keep in my "jewelry box". what do the things that i treasure say about me? guys, money, clothing, undying adoration (jk. kinda.) are all things that girls my age care about, right? but i can't help but wonder if some of those things say i am shallow. materialistic. self-absorbed. such ugly words. have i lost sight of the simple beauties in life? have we all? my struggle with perspective, or lack there of, is constant. i tell myself that i have to appreciate that which i am blessed with and not obsess over things i can't control. yet here i find myself envious of a 6 year old who covets her quarter-machine jewelry and saves her bubble gum comics, because all it takes is her believing that something is special in order for it to be special. the term "faith like a child" comes to mind. why can't my life be that simple? what will it take for me to refocus on what is truly important? how hard can it be to have faith in myself and the possiblities of what could be?

who knew such confusion could arise from a simple little box?

soundtrack to my life. kinda.

2006-12-12T22:24:00.000-08:00

So, here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Opening Credits:
We Never Change- Coldplay

Waking Up:
Sleep- Stabbing Westward (weird...)

First Day of School:
Mushaboom- Feist

Falling in Love:
We Will Become Silhouettes- Postal Service

Fight Song:
Wheel- John Mayer (laaaaame)

Breaking Up:
Carrion- Fiona Apple (perfect!)

Prom:
Why Geogia- John Mayer (wtf is with all the John Mayer?!)

Life:
Untitled- Damien Rice

Driving:
The Lady Is A Tramp- Frank Sinatra

Flashback:
Cruz- Christina Aguilera (bleh. never heard the song before.)

Getting Back Together:
Dirty Little Secret- Sarah McLachlan

Wedding:
Inside My Love- Trina Broussard

Party:
If There's Love- Citizen Cope

Birth of A Child:
Pink Love- Blonde Redhead

Final Battle:
Talk Show Host- Radiohead (wow)

Funeral Song:
Didn't Cha Know- Erykah Badu

Ending Credits:
Trickle- Olive

more than just a little curious...

2006-12-02T17:29:00.000-08:00

i don't exist anymore.

at least,
i don't think that i do,
and there's something to be said about the fact that i don't know...

the first taste.

2006-11-27T00:49:00.000-08:00

i lie in an early bed,
thinking late thoughts,
waiting for the black to replace my blue.
i do not stuggle in your web,
because it was my aim to be caught,
but i feel that i've finally grown weary of waiting to be consumed by you...

all or nothing

2006-11-07T23:39:00.000-08:00

that is the new theme of my life.

i find that if i don't dedicate myself fully to the things i take on, then i won't do them at all. for example, with nannying it is really easy for me to not take jobs and spend my spare time hanging out with my friends or sleeping or doing anything besides taking care of screaming children. however, this leads to no good because come bill paying time, i am screwed. therefore, i thrust myself in to the opposite direction and take as many nannying jobs as possible just to stay within a working frame of mind. however, being a full time+ student, it becomes problematic and i get stressed and i have been known to say the phrase "i hate my life" on more than one occasion.

and that is another thing, for some reason i have decided that i am going to do the impossible and graduate college in 4 years(gasp)! i figure, while i am a student i might as well just throw myself into it full force and get it done. i find myself in my second to last semester until graduation and i am only SLIGHTLY out of my mind. i guess i'd rather take 16-18 units a semester rather than stretch it out and slowly lose my steam. but from the late nights to the sickness to the writer's cramps, i can't help but wonder if it is worth it...

my most recent endevour into my "all or nothing" frame of mind is my two week detox. i have decided to cut out caffine, trans fat, alcohol, and processed sugar from my diet in order to cleanse my body. i mean, SOMETHING is out of wack with me physically so i am hoping this will shed some light on the situation. i have just completed day two and i have NEVER wanted a latte or a cookie so bad in my life. i have told friends of mine in my classes of my great feat i am attempting and asked that they pry any junk food out of my hand that i may try to sneak mid-lecture. and i have also told my friends that i might not be hitting the bars for a while, so don't even ask what i am doing on saturday night. and the classic response i have received from people is "WTF are you doing this?! why so much at once?!" and my simple explanation is that that's just how i function. if i know i am making such a drastic change, i will commit myself fully and i will be less likely to slip. i don't even know if i can truly explain my logic behind it all, but somehow it just makes sense. if i am going to deprive myself of something, i am gonna make it count.

if i really think about it, my "all or nothing" frame of mind is so effed. they say moderation is key, but most times i find that i can only truly accomplish something when i give it every ounce of me, even if it takes me to my wit's end. for work, school, relationships, friendships, life choices, it's all the same. i thrive on commitment and straight-forwardness and dedication. i just can't function in the gray of life.

i fully blame jack skellington.

2006-10-08T23:34:00.000-07:00

water water on the seeds
to my left they rose and leaf
to my right cross seven seas

maybe maybe they'll stay true
my seeds will cross and then take root
and leave you to an empty room
lonely lonely that is you
lonely lonely that is you

paper paper obsolete
how will you reach out to me
i thought you'd ask me not to leave
lonely lonely that is me
lonely lonely that is me

distance makes the heart grow weak
so that the mouth can barely speak
except to those who hide their needs
and i have read the golden seal
that tell of how the seedlings feel
reminds my heart what love can yield

by my only things are clear
baby boy I'm staying here
lonely lonely that was you
lonely and so untrue

all is full of love.

2006-09-26T23:40:00.002-07:00

i believe in forgiveness. i always have. and i now know i am capable of it.

He alone is my rock and my salvation...

2006-09-20T23:59:00.001-07:00

my grandpa died today.

as i look through my bible, seaching for the right words to ease my sorrow, i feel such overwhelming comfort in God that it brings me to tears. of course, i have already had my share of tears mourning the loss, but the tears i shed now are almost...indescribeable. i cry for my mom because she is so strong and didn't even cry when she told me, because she wanted to make sure i was ok. i cry for my grandma who never left my grandpa's side, and has now lost the one true love of her life. i cry because i know i will never hear him call me "eyes and teeth" or "purple mouse dinner" again...

but i also cry because i know my grandpa is no longer in pain from his cancer. i cry because i know he had an amazing life and managed to touch so many people. i cry because the Lord is so amazing to have allowed me to have such an incredible grandpa in my life for as long as i did. but mostly i cry because i know how blessed i am to have such strong faith. and while i know that eventually the pain will subside, in the meantime, during the hard parts, i know i am not alone.

love you papa.

great expectations.

2006-09-10T02:33:00.001-07:00

i had an amazing time tonight at the bonfire/dance dance revolution. texas chainsaw massacre, hidden stash in the trunk, half naked guys (seems to be protocall for our dance parties), thad on the "turntables", new and old friend love, brian droppin' it like it's hot, rednecks and rob zombie, dtrs, tattoo talk...some people were M.I.A, but at least M.I.A was played...it was everything i thought it would be.

right...?

that girl.

2006-09-07T23:47:00.000-07:00

i have clipped my wings, so to speak. what i mean is, i just cut all of my hair off. well, at least, as much as someone with hair as short as mine could. i like it.

i left my heart in san francisco.

2006-09-07T00:59:00.000-07:00

have you ever felt like your emotional state was a direct reflection of your physical surroundings?

over the past few weeks i have felt an oddly deep connection with san francisco. it is almost as if both the city and i are operating on the same wavelength. my extreme moods of sheer happiness and melencholy seem to fluctuate with ever changing fog and sunshine that reside in the inner sunset area. i find a sick humor in this all because it is like she (and yes, sf is a female) is saying, "janelle, this is just how it is. enjoy what you can. and just deal with the rest. that's life kid." the problem is, i crave stability. i try to void my life of indecision and uncertainty because i need things i can depend on. in the past, i have literally had to remove myself from situations that i couldn't control or understand because otherwise i would have gone crazy obsessing over why they are the way they are. and now i find myself in a place like san francisco which is so unpredictable in every aspect, yet somehow i know this is where i belong. this dynamic city that i have come to call home is a constant reminder that things change. much like my disposition, i wake up every morning never knowing what to expect. when i look out the window i want to see blue skies, and feel comforted in its beauty and clarity. but it is in those moments of gray that my heart and faith and patience are truly tested. i have to remember that, much like i can't control the weather, i can't control what happens to me, or what others choose to do, because it is entirely out of my hands. and in the meantime, any sorrow that i feel just makes me appreciate the sun that much more...

slow like honey

2006-08-21T14:26:00.000-07:00

you moved like honey in my dream last night
some old fires were burning
you came near to me and you endeared to me
but you couldn't quite discern me

does that scare you ?
i'll let you run away
but your heart will not oblige you
you'll remember me like a melody
i'll haunt the world inside you

and my big secret, gonna win you over
slow like honey, heavy with mood

i'll let you see me, I'll covet your regard
i'll invade your demeanor
and you'll yield to me like a scent in the breeze
and you'll wonder what it is about me

it's my big secret, keeping you coming
slow like honey, heavy with mood

though dreams can be deceiving
like faces are to hearts
they serve for sweet relieving
when fantasy and reality lie too far apart

so I stretch myself across like a bridge
and I pull you to the edge

and stand there waiting
trying to attain
the end to satisfy the story
shall I release you?
must I release you?
as I rise to meet my glory

but my big secret
gonna hover over your life
gonna keep you reaching
when I'm gone like yesterday
when I'm high like heaven
when I'm strong like music
'cause I'm slow like honey, and heavy with mood